Never Mind

A wonderful movie, it is not! But it does remind me something.

Oh, those old days, those fascinating days when I play. I still remember I was a boy of a poor family. I have a brother and a mother. We were having the cheapest noodles in a simple restaurant. I remember the tension before I set my feet on the stage. I remember the heat of the light on my face. I remember my mother was among the audience. I remember the celebration meal after our first play. I remember everything; above them, the dream of being an actor. Gifted, I might not be. But I do enjoy playing and I do feel something. I am afraid this feeling would never come to me again in this life, the life of an economist. How pathetic.

Nicolas Cage has been making these movies about ‘nobody’, like Adaptation, Weatherman and another one in which he’s working in the ambulance. Adaptation is about a fat, bald, nervous screen writer. He’s trying to make a screen play from a book about flowers, and finally he found out that the famous writer was totally a bitch who’s been absolutely fucked up. Weatherman’s about a lost weatherman who finds himself meaningless. In the other movie, he’s a nurse in the ambulance and he once lost a girl on the street and since then he got lots of mental problems. All of them are nobodies.

I kind of figure out that he want to tell us to be ourselves. We all come from the same place if Charles Robert Darwin was right. So we are the same, all of us. Then why should I mind what others might think about me.

The famous writer in Adaptation is definitely somebody. She made a fascinating book about flowers and they want to make it a movie. What a successful lady! But the movie tells that she’s not a saint. She messes up with the florist and having drugs. It wants to say that even those big guys; they also have some dirty things behind their beautiful faces. Then why can’t I have some dirty thoughts?

I like Adaptation. Simply because I’m quite similar as the screen writer; nervous, lack of self-confidence, difficult to deal with people and worrying all the time. I guess everybody has this problem; more or less. I wish it is true so that I can feel better. It just becomes a second nature to think before I talk and think twice before I act; never say fuck even I already said so in my mind; never start a new topic afraid that others don’t like it; never offer my hand first afraid that people would ignore me. I have problems, big ones. I always want to make good impression to others and the safest way I found is to keep silent. That makes me lonely. I want to know how people think about me and I’m afraid to know. It’s getting more and more difficult to express myself. I even feel embarrassing now when I’m typing these words. The result is that I miss those old friends with whom I can be wild. But they are millions of miles away from me, untouchable. I’m still struggling now whether I should put this shit on my space and show it to everybody. I wish I’m the only English speaker all over the world.

After all, I’m not fat, not bald, and not ugly. So well, I’m quite okay.